Lessons from My Cat-In-Law

Originally posted in Facebook and other places on April 12, 2025.

OCTOBER 1, 2025 (ish)

My Cat-In-Law told my now-wife that I could move in with them last October. I assume Cat-In-Law wanted another servant and thought my condition made me a perfect candidate: weakened but not so much that I could not serve. She was not entirely wrong.

I suspected my Cat-In-Law is a single-issue, non-voter {1} who is EXTREMELY anti-immigration. {2}

In the interest of fairness, it is important that you understand her loathing of immigration {3} is not racially motivated. She hates *every* human. Even when she’s being nice, her endgame is to eventually kill you then eat you. If she hates you marginally less, there is a chance she will keep you alive as a toy. She’ll still probably accidentally kill you and--I am not a lawyer but--I think that the degree she can be charged with goes down to a 2nd or something. It’s a moot point since she’ll just eat the prosecution and, if they are smart, everyone will just drop the charges.

OCTOBER 1, 2025 to APRIL 8

During that time, my Cat-In-Law and I developed a routine.

1: I get up.

2: This 21 year-old, frail and small cat channels the howls of a thousand ancestral felines and screams, “FEEEEED MEEEE!”

3. I firmly remind her that I was born in the Year of the Dog which makes me immune to obnoxious feline demands.

4. I do my thing, make her wait until she calms down, then give her something to eat.

5. Because it is still far too early to do anything (or I just cannot brain), I sit on the sofa, idling.

6. She decides to sit on me.

7. We do that until one of us decides it’s finally time to acknowledge the day or use our respective litter boxes.

Over the course of the months-long routine with at least an average of at least two hours daily, our relationship changed.

In the beginning, we didn’t talk about our respective histories. The versions we had of each other were very simple and antagonistic. She is a cat and I am a dog and that told us all we needed to know about each other. It’s a tale older than I sometimes feel. I could spin you a new take on the “Beauty and the Beast” classic but neither of us wants to hear that.

Cat-In-Law and I had entered the stereotypical dynamic of “cats and dogs do not like each other”. My 23-andMe report basically says I have “30-40% canine-influenced genome“ but don’t quote me on that. Because I had exerted my dominance with some masterfully delivered one-raised-eyebrow scowling, she knew she could not kick me out (#DogWin). But she made it clear that I am NOT welcome into either her home or in her “Close the Borders X-ines Coalition”.

But we found ourselves sitting in the dark wanting the smallest of *something* and that daily routine provided each with something the other could provide. For her, I think it was simply warmth at first. For me, I wanted something to interrupt the long hours of being trapped in my mind.

We started talking in our own way. Unspoken, simple things like:

- “You know, we’re both old, cantankerous farts, aren’t we?”

- “Oh! I see you can’t jump or move nearly as easily as you used to. Same for me.”

- “We both know we are ill with an unreadable but unmistakably fast approaching expiration dates.”

- “We both enjoy squirrel-watching.”

APRIL 9, THURSDAY, 1:00 AM(ish).

Cat-In-Law’s health has declined rapidly in recent days.

Insomnia has returned for an extended visit with me but at least I have (very recently) started regaining some cognitive processing capacity.

The wee hours are ours. On this day, I awoke early wanting to spend time with her like we have every day for months. We had become each other’s emotional support critters. My once automatically mortal enemy had become a friend and we both looked forward to our daily snuggle time.

Sitting silently in the dark, I start thinking about my journey with her and why I was given the opportunity to receive the gift.

She reminds me that most people are much the same as cats and dogs.

LESSON 1

Just like cats and dogs, at our most basic, we want at least the bottom of good old Maslow’s Hierarchy: survive. That need is so fierce and primal that it drives us to create labels so we can easily identify people to increase our chances of winning those resources. {4}

When I see someone fiercely advocating to prevent some group of “them” from being successful, I almost always see their fear. It is just so “Humanity 101”. Other things on the hierarchy can fuel it but it still distills to the same essence: their fear of inadequacy to gain resources.

Cat-In-Law and I became friends because she was the only one of us who thought she had anything to fear. That combined with our circumstances created an opportunity for sharing despite our respective X-ines. That sharing led to an uneasy acquaintance. That led to more sharing and understanding. Because we were consistent in our effort and did not violate the trust we built, we became friends. {5}

LESSON 2

She reminds me that if you help lift up benevolent people, you create more people who lift you.

Over the years, I have mostly tempered my Old Testament Wrath of God (or Khan--you pick) emotional reflexes. This dog still has a wicked bite and tear strength and I will absolutely use it if warranted but it’s nothing I have had to use in years.

So when Cat-in-Law crossed those lines in the early days, I responded with only enough to ensure she knew that was never going to be an effective response from her. And when she inevitably came back for cuddles, I gave them.

When she was having a hard day moving, I gently slid her to a place she could rest without having to jump. When she demanded food, a necessity she often struggled to digest, she learned she would get as much as she desired if she were polite (of course, she’d get it anyway but it would take a little longer). And she mostly learned that she had a much better chance of being allowed in my lap when I invited her than when she just tried to do it without being invited.

I lifted her up and, without even thinking of “what’s in it for me,” found she had enriched me.

LESSON 3

Know when to stop babbling. It was back there somewhere. It’s also somewhere just ahead.

APRIL 11, SATURDAY, 11:15 AM.

Cat-In-Law crossed the rainbow bridge.

APRIL 12, SUNDAY, 2:45 AM and going

I have been working on this story since yesterday afternoon.

My wife has gone to sleep. It has been a hard day in a hard week for her and grieving the loss of her cat of 21 years is not the start of a Saturday I will recommend to anyone. I mention the time because I told her earlier that my next overnight is going to be challenging.

I’m there now. The house is silent. Despite some tricks of light and vision that make me think something Cat-In-Law-sized just walked near me where I used to see her preamble-pounce near the sofa, the house is still. I shouldn’t be awake, much less writing, but for multiple reasons, this is what I need to do.

In a way, this night is still our night for one last time.

The heat in my eyeballs indicates at least a brief drizzle of peepers-based precipitation. I knew this was coming and I already had a few over the past few days. A combination of my disease, medications, insomnia, and being wideawake while simultaneously exhausted has me emotionally whackado, so it would be weird if I didn’t have this reaction.

I am about to enter our time. I will settle to intentional stillness and allow my thoughts to lead where they wish so long as those thoughts serve me. I will think of the many people who have reached out to support me and I will wish you the joy and peace I am so fortunate to live every day with.

And I will think of and miss my most recent friend.

Lesson 3 has caught up.

May you live benevolently then have the day you deserve.

__________________

FOOTNOTES

1: I am not trying to start a conspiracy but you know, I know, and every cat knows that if anything wants to nonchalantly break the system, a cat can and will do it. We are fortunate they already know who runs things.

2: In case you’re wondering, I didn’t need to ask because it was pretty much the first thing she said in her own way. I used to get similar reactions of instant disgust from the “pretty or popular” kids and I am fairly certain I have triggered that in at least a few times with some social media posts I have shared. It seems some people have some genetic thing that makes cilantro taste like soap to them. Sometimes I’m just verbal cilantro to someone.

3: She supports open borders for birds and most small rodents. She is in a coalition with dogs who support their shared passion on that particular animal-rights cause (“Close the Borders X-ines Coalition”). I have heard enough political “debates” by people whose wailing banshees debate style inspired the X-ines. (X represents “canine, feline, and other” animals.)

4: Some predators have adapted to using various means of manipulation to maximize their chances for successful hunts. A favorite strategy of theirs is for “Ally A” to get “Ally B” to fight “Enemies A-x”. “Ally A” wants his two targets to deplete each other’s resources so he can claim them. In fact, there is no “Ally A” but just another enemy to in a multi-person fight for the same resources. Even cats have higher ethical standards of hunting and we know they play with their food before killing it. (The topic is too big for this story and I may not have time to give more to it, but I can hope.)

5: For the first few months after moving in, we also shared the house with another cat. Unfortunately, the much younger was far more fearful which prevented me from spending any meaningful time with him. Although we had a few civil moments, he became ill and died before I could win him over.